stanleysdream

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To be or not to be…

on July 18, 2012

The phrase “to be or not to be”, Hamlet’s greatest soliloquy in Shakespeare’s play questions “being” or “not being” or whether it is best to continue existing or not. Throughout history there has been great debate regarding the differing interpretations of this soliloquy. However, there is no doubt regarding my position on “being” or “not Being”, or if existing in this most beautiful world that God created is worth it.

A few months after my son died, for a brief moment, I questioned whether life was worth living. I had experienced what is often called “the greatest grief”, that of losing a child. For six months after Stanley’s death, I carried on with my life, going back to work a week after his funeral, not realizing that I was suffering depression.  As a Christian, I didn’t want to believe that I allowed depression to slowly creep into my life.  Wasn’t I supposed to be strong?  Shouldn’t I have simply given my burdens to God as Matthew 11:26 tells us?  However, I soon learned that depression does not discriminate!  It can strike anyone at any time, even Christians.

I had been Stanley’s primary caretaker during those final months and the stress of seeing him fade away ever so slowly had taken its toll unbeknownst to me. It was only after a friend, a clinical social worker recognized the signs, that I sought grief counseling.  However, for a fleeting moment, alone in my home one evening, desperately wanting the hands of time to turn back, enabling my family to be complete again, did I think that life had no real purpose for me anymore. How could I go on without Stanley?  My oldest daughter was away in college, my other daughter, a senior in high school was busy with after school activities, grieving in her own special way. My husband, dealt with his grief by burying himself in his work. I felt alone, with no purpose. I wanted to mother someone, but no one was available. To be or not to be, that was my question…

With much prayer, meditation, reflection, and grief counseling, I knew without a doubt the answer is always to be.  For me, that was and is the best and only answer!   I know that regardless of what we go through in life, the ups and downs, smiles and frowns, bends and curves, fraying nerves, friends or foes, worries or woes, that life is good, so good, so good and I am blessed beyond measure and highly favored. To be, simply to be, that is the answer!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One response to “To be or not to be…

  1. Mom, I am really proud of you and your blog! Your truly have a gift at writing and enjoy each entry! Love you and continue to let God work through you:)

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